


Study in Black

by SassyFanGirl



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Friendship, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 16:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12775236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SassyFanGirl/pseuds/SassyFanGirl
Summary: Dan finally shares with the world something he has been battling for years. Can Phil support Dan when he needs it most? Or will Dan fall down dark paths once more...





	Study in Black

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Phanfic, be kind!! I only recently discovered these two beautiful people and have connected so much with this D&D video. Couldn't help but put this together.

Dan bit at his lips as he stared at his computer screen. Worry in his eyes and dread in his heart. _What will they say? What will they think? Should I really do this? This’ll help other people… right?_ Dan’s mouse hovered over the upload button. Taking his gaze off the screen for a moment he looked at his glass. It was empty. I must be refilled. If he were going to upload something such as this he must be hydrated first! Grabbing his glass he hopped out of his chair and went to the kitchen. 

Phil sat on the couch reviewing emails. He wanted to give Dan some space. He knew that what he was uploading was pretty heavy and he didn’t want to distract from it. Hearing Dan come out of his room surprised him slightly. With a quizzical glance, Phil looked up from his computer to see a rough Dan walking into the kitchen with an empty glass. 

“All set then?” Phil asked from his sofa crease, clearly startling Dan out of his train of thought. 

It took Dan by surprise, hearing Phil’s voice. “What?” Dan said automatically not thinking about what Phil’s actual question was. Phil stayed sat on the sofa, raising an eyebrow waiting for his words to register. Dan scratched at his brow, “Ah, nah not yet.” He said, looking away from his flatmate. _Please don’t ask…_

Phil watched from his spot. He took in the tired appearance of his friend. Over the years they’ve mastered the nonverbal language. He could tell that Dan was tense, not willing to speak much about what he was actually doing. His mind flashed back to a conversation they shared a few years ago. When Dan finally opened up and told Phil everything. He remembered Dan specifically telling him, pleading with him to help. Even if it seemed like he didn’t want it, he would need it and be grateful.  
‘  
There have been moments when Phil felt upset with Dan for forcing this on him. Then, guilt would wash over him. He was his friend. And Dan had trusted him more than anyone else to ask for help. What kind of person would get upset at that? But when Dan was in those moods and literally nothing Phil said or did seemed to help he wanted to scream! But then there were those moments that left him feeling nothing but happiness. Sometimes the gestures were small. Like an encouraging smile after a brief cheer-up session.  Or an understanding correction of a joke that was a bit too close to home. Sometimes, not often, but once in a blue moon Dan would sheepishly, awkwardly, hug him and whisper thank you. Quickly leaving the room and later pretending that nothing had happened. Phil lived for those moments. Not because of the closeness, or even the gratitude. It just filled him with happiness. A feeling that he was doing something right. There was a reason he was here. 

Dan didn’t know just how much Phil thought about things to say. He didn’t know all the nights that Phil had cried worrying about his best friend. He simply didn’t know. What he did know is that Phil always had the best solution to every situation that Dan created. As he poured his drink Dan thought to himself. He knew he should say something. But he really wanted to try and handle this alone. He didn’t want Phil to constantly babysit him or worry about him. He wanted to be independent. Yet he knew how much he really needed Phil. Dan hangs his head as he thinks about all the times Phil has saved him from himself. He thinks about all the times he wasn’t there. Years before they met when he was a shadow version of himself. 

Phil sees the change in posture and wants nothing more than to snap him out of his current thought process. For a mere second he seriously thought about throwing a pillow at him. But then he thought against it, deciding to be a bit more helpful and just try to get Dan talking. 

“Is something wrong, Dan?” Phil inquired, watching Dan’s head roll back as he walked away from the fridge towards the couch. 

Dan knew he should speak, let out his concerns, but he didn’t want to annoy Phil. No again. “Eh, not really.” Dan said. Phil closed his computer, trying to show that 100% of his attention was on their conversation. Dan risked a glance at Phil and saw his piercing blue eyes being the dark frames of his glasses. Dan rolled his eyes. “Oh hush, you know what’s going on don’t badger me.” He said in a light hearted way, flopping on the couch. Phil let a small smile cross his lips. 

“Yeah, I figure.” Phil said “But why hesitate now?” Phil was surprised because not only was Dan talking willingly, but he seemed to ponder the question rather than write it off or breakdown. 

For a moment Dan almost thought, fuck it here we go, but he wanted to be better than that. He wanted to show that he was improving. So he thought about his response. All the negatives that were slashing through his rational thoughts. With a sigh Dan rubbed his eyes. “I just don’t know how it will be taken, or what people will say.: He said rather too quickly. 

Phil looked down at his hands where they were playing with the fabric of his shirt. Thinking about a supportive, yet instructive, response. The first thought he came up with was, who cares? But he knew better. Dan cared about every single review. Every single negative thing, he would notice it. 

“Well,” Phil began, “knowing you, you are probably thinking about all the hate, yeah?” Dan groaned as he rolled over. He shouldn’t have said anything. “But we get that on literally every video.” 

Dan lifted his head slightly to glare at Phil. “You know the difference, _Phil_.” He said in mock anger. Then softer, laying his head back down, “This, it’s different.” he said, barely above a whisper.

Phil took in Dan’s haggard appearance. He was really having a hard time with this. “Well,” he started “you could always think about those people. Or, you could think about all the people who feel the same way you do.” Phil didn’t look at Dan. Didn’t want to see his negative glare. Dan actually didn’t look over to him at all. Just closed his eyes and thought about what Phil had said. “All the people out there who don’t realize what they are feeling. The people who don’t realize there is a way to help them get out of their own negative worlds they build.” Phil started feeling more confident. Afterall, he has read so many people comment, on both their content, about how watching their videos help them overcome their daily struggles. Phil thought that if he made Dan aware of all those people, make him aware of all the people he could be helping, maybe that would cheer him up and give him the motivation to post his video. Phil nudged Dan with his foot, “You spend so much time in your head, what makes you smile when you’re down?” 

Dan thought about all the videos he used to watch when he was still living at home. Those few shows, or certain YouTubers, that would cheer him up from his depressing mindset. Dan looked up at Phil with a face and said, “You know what…” 

Phil smiled slightly knowing that Dan gets embarrassed about his younger self and all the “cringe” things he had said or done. “Alright then, don’t you think that there are thousands of people who are searching for hope in the form of the internet?” Phil said, encouragingly. “I know I did. It took me a lot of private messages to keep up what I thought was pointless.” Phil said with double meaning. He didn’t like to talk about his personal issues with his best friend. Not when Dan was dealing with something much worse. “For all you know, you could be giving people just the right thing that they needed to hear.” Phil paused waiting for some sort of response. Dan laid still with his arm across his face, seemingly resting his eyes. “You’ve done that for me so many times.” Phil said, almost as an afterthought. 

With the last sentence barely out of Phil’s mouth, Dan got up and went to his room. _Fuck it._ And with one quick thought he hit the upload button. 

 

1 New Notification  
**Daniel Howell uploaded: Daniel and Depression**

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think and if I should add on to this! I have a lot of idea, but want to make sure people actually care and want to see more.


End file.
